Most people I know consider me a dispenser of good advice. I’d like to think it’s because I’m open-minded, that I make it a point to listen to what they have to say and present a solution that makes the most sense.
But I also have the tendency every once in a while to dispense advice that is neither needed nor welcome, not to mention comes off more than a little authoritative.
Case in point: I commented on an acquaintance’s blog, who is a humanities professor, pregnant with her first child and busy pursuing a Ph.D. She posted an entry about finishing her qualifying paper and I congratulated her, along with telling her that her work ethic would change drastically once her baby arrived. I thought nothing of my tone at the time, only that I was imparting some wisdom, being a mother of two myself.
There are times when my advice is warranted and welcome and then there are times when I should just keep my big fat mouth shut. This was one of those times.
My message was this:
Congrats on finishing the qualifying paper. Excuse me for being blunt, but you'd better work your ass off in the next ten weeks (if you even get all ten weeks - a baby's arrival can be fairly unpredictable) because once the little tot is born, things are going to slow down for a while. You will be very preoccupied with your new family member and writing/creative process/work will take a backseat for a little while. It'll come as little surprise that you'll find a whole new source of inspiration in your child too. Prepare yourself for a wealth of ideas once you do get back to the computer for a spell (in between naps and feedings, of course)!
It was only in going back to that message that I realized how presumptuous it is. I was embarrassed I even posted it (I attempted to delete it but found that I was incapable of doing so, much to my dismay). In my shame, I decided to issue a mea culpa, especially after she reacted to what I said (among other unwelcome comments she has received from people lately) in another post. I apologized, offered words of kindness and encouragement with no wisdom and/or advice attached and left it at that.
But I didn’t leave it at that. It ate at me that I had offended her, that I had come off so arrogant. It disturbs me a great deal because I consider myself to be an extremely humble person. That post did not represent me accurately at all and now I have given her the wrong impression about me and I’m afraid that impression will last forever.
On the other hand, I ask myself, “Why does it matter?” The likelihood of the two of us running into one another is slim (she lives several states away and is deeply ensconced in her profession) and the fact that we barely know each other is another factor. I doubt we will ever know each other more than we do now and I don’t think she cares to know me - she is far too busy with her own life.
So there you have it. Another case of me putting my foot in my mouth and then dying a thousand deaths over something that ultimately will have no greater impact. It’s just a matter of me caring too much what other people think. And I thought I was over that. I guess some things never change no matter what you do.
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